Help

The last few days have been pretty bad, feeling like a failure, not good enough and beginning to question is recovery possible for me. I broke my twelve day streak two days ago and now i cant stop, all that is on my mind seen my blood and feeling the pain because I deserve it. I dont deserve to be happy because every time i try something comes along and crashes me further down the ladder of recovery at the moment i am standing at the bottom of it but cant seem to reach the first step. I am seriously starting to question my recovery I dont think I am worthy of recovery all i do is let myself down constantly, set my standards to high and when i fail i kick myself for it, have no-one to talk to and support me they all left (or did i push them away cause they deserve better than me)

Since finishing college for the summer I dont have the support from my tutors, guidance or anyone. This ten week summer is going to test how strong I am and at the moment dont feel like i am going to survive and if i do go back what i am going to say I failed to live during the summer, i dont want to leave bed and just sleep all day because every time i am awake i am living my so called life, that includes crying, harming myself, suicidal thoughts and over thinking, If I am a sleep I am safe from myself i cant created damage if i am sleep. Seriously wish i had the courage just to end it all that way I will be safe from myself and others

One thing that really annoying me that people say the care about me but where are they when i need them no where, just shows that no-one actual cares about me everyone in my life are all fake they only want me when they need someone to be there for them or they want something but what happens with me i am shoved to the bottom of the pile. I am to nice for my own good.