update

Hi the blogger world,

A lot has changed since we last spoke, to start with i am no longer couch surfing i have a temporary home with my boyfriend and his parent till the house we have rented is ready to move in to. This is a positive i am looking forward to the future for once, we are even trying for a little bundle of joy. My relationship with my mum is slowly getting stronger we are both working hard to bring it together. All i ever want from her was to be accepted for who i am.

However not everything is peachy i am still struggling with the thoughts of self harm and suicide and relapsed in my self harm recovery but i have an amazing boyfriend who is always there for me. I may sometimes feel like i am on my own i now know i am not.

Review of 2014

2014 has finally come to an end and fair to say its been a rough one but also a year for me to find out who i truly am. I have found that people aren't what the seem to be, they may say they care while deep down the mean nothing to you. I have said some very hard goodbyes to people who i thought truly mattered to me but i now know they were just a passing phase. In the last month i have left the family home due to some difficult circumstance i may be couch surfing but its for the best i have truly seen the changes in myself i can now tell people to f*#k off when they need to back off. I am more confident in myself even though i will continue to struggle with some personal issues, most of 2014 has been a bit of a blur but at least i have some highlight such as going to my first live music gig, my first friend only holiday and meeting the awesome guy that i am proud say is my boyfriend he has showing me so much in such a short period of time, he has shown me what love is and not to be afraid of been loved and showing it to the right people, he also taught me i am not weird to feel emotions because that is what being human is and totally natural. This year has been a year off me visiting the movie theater seeing a number of films: The fault in our stars, if i stay, penguins of Madagascar, dumb and dumber to and Annie. I have meet some amazing people who can change my life in the right circumstances i started volunteering with my local radio station as a member of the street team.

 Living in Scotland in 2014 has been a strange one having the worlds eyes watching you through the Commonwealth games, the Scottish independence referendum and the Ryder Cup these were all positive things to come to this country seeing so many different cultures come to this country and making it one. Even though these positives came about we cant forget about the negatives things that have also happened, the things happened made the nation stronger such as the bin lorry driving in to a crowd of Christmas Shoppers, the year anniversary of the Clutha Bar tragedy. We wont ever forget these things. The beginning of 2015 is meant to be a time to reflect on what happened the year before we saw many planes disappearing from air traffic control radars some have been found while others are still missing i cant imagine the pain these families must be in not known what has happened to their loved one. Also in 2014 we saw the outbreak of the Ebola virus in Africa countries panicked and went in to lock down we were to busy worrying about our own countries that we forgot about stopping the spread of the virus.

 In a nutshell i want 2015 to be better for the world and for myself but i know from experience that the year would be wrong if it went perfect, i like to ride to the waves that each year brings, it bring so many opportunities, people to meet and for me develop myself cause at the end of the day know one is perfect, I will leave you with some of my resolutions

1) Finished my HND Radio course
2) go to university
3) get myself healthy physically and emotionally.

falling apart

I have manage to get ever fooled once again by saying I am okay this is the best way this way I cant hurt anyone and they cant hurt me. While in reality I am on a slippery hill that is going down I am grabbing on to roots to keep myself for falling to deep but the thing is roots can only hold you for so long or yourself gets to tired of holding on for to long.

I am smiling all day to keep the tears from falling but as soon as i am alone i let them fall it makes me remember how unhappy i actual i am. Im disappearing from class to cry on my own i have got so much better at hiding it, i dont want anyone to worry about me or be labeled as an attention seeker.

I have already been to open about how i am feeling i now regret it so much i wish i could just go back and continue in silence as i have for five years before hand. I wish i just said i was fine when people asked me instead of been stupid and saying that i was feeling crap all the time.

i am beginning to feel like every person i know is against me one way or another. People are treating me different to what they normally would, My dad's attitude has change towards me he was once so close to me now he is distant it hurts so much that he doesnt care. My mum has never cared about me. My friends seem to be putting there noses in where it isnt needed.  I cant do this anymore i just want to run away but how can i when its all in my head only way i know to control it is by drinking, harming, starving or making myself throw up at least i feel something.

ever wondered

Ever wonder what it would be like just to disappear for a while or die, i definitely have

I ask myself this question near enough everyday but don't talk about it with anyone till now,

I just want to know 

Who would actual notice i was gone. For a start none of my 'friends' they haven't text me or notice i haven't been on facebook but could i blame them NO. They deserve way better than me.

Who would cry beside my grave probably everyone i know but i would soon become a distant memory, as my soul lived on i would be thinking why are you caring now you didn't when i was alive so what change.

How many people would give a damn about my family and see if they are okay

disney

Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care
what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway


Disney is something that always puts a smile on my face, everytime I hear one of disneys songs a big smile appears on my face and cant stop it, the lyrics go around in my head all day it is like they bouncing of my empty skull. They fill up the empty space that once contained a brain they give me hope they are rebuilding a new brain in which should make me a happier person in the long run. just not the same person I use to be, but one I will definitely be proud to say that is me. Think I am going to do some of the question from the Disney tag

Q. A scene in any Disney movie you wish you could experience?
A. The lights in Tangled cause that moment would be truly magical moment


Q.If you could choose any of the characters to be your best friend, who would you choose?
A. probably the beast from beauty and the beast because he is stuck in a world that doesn't except him for who he is just like me in real life.

Q.Who are your favourite Disney princesses?
A. There is a few couldn't just pick one of them

• Elsa and Anna from Frozen as they show that you done need a man to safe you, just love
• Rapunzel from Tangled as she shows that you don't have to stick to the status quo, you can go out in the world and do what ever you want to do, and not worry about what people think.
• Belle as she accepts the beast for who he is in beast and human form. 

Q.Name a scene/moment in any Disney movie that never fails to make you cry?
A. Again there are definitely a few

• When princess Anna protects queen Elsa at the end of Frozen even when she has a frozen heart and when a true act of true love breaks the spell.
• Flynn Ryder take Rapunzel to see the lights a wee tear jerker there
• Lighting Mcqueen helps Dinoco at the end of cars when he gets wipe out

There are probably way more but cant seem to think at the moment

 

Q.What is the first Disney movie you remember seeing?

A.  Snow White and the seven dwarfs I can remember at around age 6 but probably seen more before then

Q.What is your favourite Disney movie?

A. Between Frozen, Tangled and Cars

sorry

i am such a stupid little fuck up, no matter what i say or do i cant please or make anyone proud,

i am sorry for been annoying its just a way to cover everything up 

I am sorry i cant stay in contact more often guess i am just a arsehole

Sorry i didnt let you in to my world when you could of helped guess i thought i could do it on my own and still do

i am sorry i didnt turn out the way you thought i was going to 

i am sorry i have ask for help i didnt deserve the help when there are people who deserve it more


Guess what i am trying to say is sorry to everyone, i just really want to be happy but whenever i do people just show me i dont deserve happiness with their words and actions. I spend the days on my own and the nights crying in to my pillow and cutting my skin cause these are the only thing that is ever there for me. People keep telling me i am not alone but at two o'clock in the morning i am definitely alone, i dont want to disturb anyone as they may be sleeping and they deserve it.

I have even come to the conclusion i DONT deserve warmth, food, friends or anything

what really is happiness

when i think about it, every time i try to be happy someone comes a long and tell me i shouldnt be for one reason or other, something worse is when someone tells you 'you seem happier than what you were' this is when my problem comes in to play, it make me remember all the bad things that have happened in my life, it just makes me feel worse, to be honest i dont even know what real happy means any more. its easier to say to these people yeah i am happier cause you have no other way to put it, its only over text thats all it is text just like this is, hardly any emotion in it you only get out what you want from it, if you see someone as an attention seeker thats what you are going to see, if you see someone happy all the time you assume that person is happy its just the way it is. We all cover up things we dont want people to see like me, i am on my own, i am always on my own, my friends are on holiday just like me, do i really want to bombard them with all my problems that i have going on. No thats not fair on them they have dealt with me all year, mood swings, not wanting to talk to them, lying to them saying i am okay when i am not. They have had enough to deal with i think its time to let them have peace so they can enjoy their holiday.

 I dont want people to worry about me cause all i am doing is hiding everything from people who care about me, cause they deserve better than me, they deserve people who make sure they are okay put them before themselves that how it should be. People say to me they care and they will always be there for me which is wrong because at 3 o'clock in the morning i am definitely alone, no one to stop me from doing stupid stuff, no one help when i go to far. i know people want me to get better but i dont believe i am strong enough to do it, which is the hardest part. I am trying to explain how i want help but at the same time i want to be left alone, i dont deserve to recover i have obviously did some bad to deserve all this pain weather that be in my past life or something i did when i was younger. After such a long time, i have fallen in love with the sadness and have convinced myself i am nothing without it. i worship it by the thin white lines that cover my body. I hate it but cant live without it. I stand in front of my mirror and pinch the fat on my stomach, legs and arms hoping if i pinch hard enough, the physical pain will purge the sadness and anger out, it obviously never works but of course i do it again subconsciously . I eventually forget why i did it in the first place and i do it because it just simply feels good. How fucked up is that. It feels good to physically hurt myself, drag razor blades across a part of my body, punch walls, dig my nails in to my skin and stave myself.