would you take it?

 I found this quote on my internet travels. The thing for me though is yeah some of my family are really supportive but it my friends are more of a family for me. This quote has kind off give me a topic to write about in this Blog because i have attempting suicide in the past and recently so i know what i am talking about. The first couple of times in a passed out before i could finish my life, when i woke i just felt really ill. This made me realise that if i was going to finish my life i would have to be a bit more inventive, but when it came to it i did the same mistake i passed out before i could finish the job but this time i was found by a friend, i was taking to my local accident and emergency where i end up getting stomach pumped not the best thing but when i woke and saw my friends face i realised how much it hurt her with tears streaming down her face and cuddling me this is when i realised i was been selfish. Yeah i am pain but as soon as i leave the pain then passes on to the people who care about me. I still think about suicide on a regular basis and if i could end it without hurting anyone i would definitely take it because the time i was caught just show the pain is real to me. To other people all the see me as is a happy bubbly person who is happy to help anyone out at any time. Which is far from the truth. The thing is though i would rather put myself through pain but self-harming at the moment because i want to prove to other people i can be strong enough to get through this holiday without doing something 

Help

The last few days have been pretty bad, feeling like a failure, not good enough and beginning to question is recovery possible for me. I broke my twelve day streak two days ago and now i cant stop, all that is on my mind seen my blood and feeling the pain because I deserve it. I dont deserve to be happy because every time i try something comes along and crashes me further down the ladder of recovery at the moment i am standing at the bottom of it but cant seem to reach the first step. I am seriously starting to question my recovery I dont think I am worthy of recovery all i do is let myself down constantly, set my standards to high and when i fail i kick myself for it, have no-one to talk to and support me they all left (or did i push them away cause they deserve better than me)

Since finishing college for the summer I dont have the support from my tutors, guidance or anyone. This ten week summer is going to test how strong I am and at the moment dont feel like i am going to survive and if i do go back what i am going to say I failed to live during the summer, i dont want to leave bed and just sleep all day because every time i am awake i am living my so called life, that includes crying, harming myself, suicidal thoughts and over thinking, If I am a sleep I am safe from myself i cant created damage if i am sleep. Seriously wish i had the courage just to end it all that way I will be safe from myself and others

One thing that really annoying me that people say the care about me but where are they when i need them no where, just shows that no-one actual cares about me everyone in my life are all fake they only want me when they need someone to be there for them or they want something but what happens with me i am shoved to the bottom of the pile. I am to nice for my own good.

text message reference

these text messages sort of help me when i am on a downer so i want to reference them so i dont forget or delete them

Hi Megan, i read your note depression (& self harming) is a mental illness that can be cured with medicine and therapy. you will get better in time in time. how you feel is just part of the illness. you just need to remember that YOU WILL GET BETTER. It is an illness that needs treatment to get well. If you need to talk i am here for you as is guidance at the college and your GP and social worker.

just feel like it isnt working and just getting worse

stick with it Meg. it just takes time thats all. Maybe better medication if its not working

trying everyday trying to keep a smile on my face

you are going great. you are aware of the need for change. you are growing everyday

just a step forward then 5 back thats what it feels like

yep. thats what depression feels like Meg, but IT WILL PASS! just need to tough it out

yep for as long as possible

it will pass i promise you. it burns itself out in the end and you will find some peace of mind.

you promise

yep

wish it would hurry up

i've been there. trust me

i trust you just not myself

then it's time to trust someone else

these messages show me that people can and do care about me even though sometimes it doesnt show

disappointment in myself

Kicking myself seriously hard just now.

Just got back my graded unit results back from college, i came out with a B which isn't to bad to most people but to me i like perfection and when i set my goals i like to achieve them, it gives me a sense of pride in myself cause i have been able to prove myself wrong and always been known to fail at everything i do. I guess this time i just set my standard to high, anyway who thought i could possible get a A clearly i thought that. I give up trying cause every time i set goals for myself i just end up disappointed in myself. I have never ever cried about a grade this is the first time seriously disappointed in myself cause i knew i could of done better and the stupid mistake i could of prevented if i paid attention such as turning the air conditioner off, reading script slower, making more of an effort of story telling. I wont be in such a mess now, This is when i start to question myself, is there i real point in trying, am i always going to be a failure or should i just give up on everything. I will have to think long and hard 

if you want to listen to the how i am talking about head over to this link and give it a listen.

http://www.mixcloud.com/meganlogie1/

Cant sleep

I cant sleep it 20 to 12 at night and for the last two hours i have been trying to go to sleep need to be up early tomorrow going to visit my old high school.

Everytime i close my eyes i can see an outline of a person who looks like they are going to hit me. I know its probably just my imagination but tonight isnt the first night of it happening it has appeared on a number of ocassion and even when i open my eyes i can still see it standing at the side of my bed but i cant move the only part i can move is my eyes. This must sound crazy but its true. It is kind of terrifying. 

Books and escape

BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS

where i can escape the real crappy world, where i dont have to be me i can become any of the character in the book i am reading admittedly i always go for a character that seems to have a hard life because by the end of the book they usually have the better ending which gives me hope that it could happen to me in really life. You can put your head in them for hours and not even realise the time going by, you get lost in the plot and always want to know more about the characters story. This is a great distraction from whatever is going on in your life they give you a chance to relax from trying to fit in all day 

50 random little questions

Bored isnt even a word that can discribe how bored i am right now so going to answer 50 little questions to past all of ten minutes

50 Random Questions Tag

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?-  in bed sleeping (4.06pm)
2. Who are you in love with?- someone i have no chance with 
3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?- I'd assume so
4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?- yes my phone 
5. When is the last time you went to the mall?- A week ago 
6. Are you wearing socks right now?- nope
7. Does your family have a car worth over $2,000?- dont think so 
8. When was the last time you drove out of town?- dont drive but if i did it would probably be today
9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?- Nope
10. Are you hot?- nope pretty chilly to be honest 
11. What was the last thing you had to drink?- irn bru (scottish)
12. What are you wearing right now?-  joggies and a pug hoodie 
13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?- I don't have a car but by hand more fun 
14. Last food that you ate?- chicken breast fillet and oven baked chips
15. Where were you last week at this time?- on a bus
16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?- Nope
17. When is the last time you ran?- to long ago 
18. What's the last sporting event you watched?- end of a tennis game against andy murray and some unknown tennies player 
19. What is your favorite animal?- doggies 
20. Your dream vacation?- anywhere in america 
21. Last person's house you were in?- Alanna's
22. Worst injury you've ever had? probably broken wrist
23. Have you been in love?- Yes :)
24. Do you miss anyone right now?- Yes
25. Last play you saw?- Blood brothers 
26. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?- food
27. What are your plans for tonight?- over-thinking then sleep
28. Who is the last person you sent a Facebook message or comment?- Ailsa
29. Next trip you are going to take?- Not got any planned
30. Ever go to camp?- Nope not a big thing in scotland 
31. Were you an honor roll student in school?- Nope
32. What do you want to know about the future?- If I'll be happy
33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne - perfume Tulsia from ndubz
34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?- yes 
35. Where is your best friend?- probably somewhere with her boyfrined 
36. How is your best friend?- hope she is good not been treating her the best at the moment 
37. Do you have a tan?-  nope live in scotland 
38. What are you listening to right now?- Demi Lovato - skyscaper
39. Do you collect anything?- books cant have enough of them 
40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?- dont know any 
41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?-  not been yet 
42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?- yes pretty much all the time better for your teeth 
43. What does your last text message say?-  i will need to see
44. Do you like hot sauce?- nope
45. Last time you took a shower?- last night (going to take one after finishing this)
46. Do you need to do laundry?- yes
47. What is your heritage?- Mainly Scottish with a tiny bit of Norwegian 
48. Are you someone's best friend?- would like to hope so 
49. Are you rich?- nope 
50. What were you doing at 12AM last night?- overthinking and sleeping 

Alone

19 years old, mentally abused by mum telling me i cant do anything right, that i should just give up trying, Then get physically and mentally abused by my friends, when they call me annoying, attention seeker when i tell them when i have an issue or them punching, kicking or pulling my hair out. People who are meant to care and protect see my so called friends doing this but no-one tells them to stop guess i have to do this myself too. This is not the life i wanted not ever. I want people to care about me, have time to talk when i need them, an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. I dont have any of this and i am just beginning to wake up from the fantasy where these people actual cared. Now I am waking up i realise i have no-one, maybe that's partial my fault i may of push them away, Maybe i was too annoying for them. I dont know what i have done other than that.

I dont mind my friends as they come and go through out life but my mum should be there supporting me, willing to listen to me, have my back always but i dont, She seems to think i am fine but she cant see the inside which is broken. No-one can fix it apart from myself and the quicker i learn the only person i can rely on is myself the better. Then what happens when i cant lean on myself when i need the comfort from some other, I dont have anyone that actual cares the only people who truly do are paid to care about me.

Plus why do people always make me feel like i am nothing. like i am a piece of shit on the bottom of their shoe. Its happens so often i am starting to believe i am nothing and never will be

Complicated and sad

Why cant life just be simple where i have a mum and dad who care about me and make a little time for me so they can get to know me cause they have no idea of who i am as their daughter no-one does

I might not have a great relationship with my parents. However me and dad are working so hard to make our relationship stronger then ever while my mum couldn't care less.

Today was the first day where i was invited out yeah it was only to the back garden but i felt included for the first time in years. Didnt last long before i knew it that woman started. Dad, wee brother and myself were outside playing Badminton, we were having a laugh i felt like i was apart of the family for the first time in five years. It was like when i was a kid, dad making me giggle with the faces he pulls and the dance move, i had no worries felt like that today. However it didnt last long it was like my mum wasnt happy seen me happy. We were dragged in at half eight time for bed apparently after we tidied up the garden but getting moaned at for not putting stuff in the right place. i was re-building the swing ball as we dismantled it so me could put up the badminton net but got moaned at for not building it up quick enough for her

I don't sleep much at night i am a night owl you see. Plus during the day you have to see people pretending they like you and been happy when you talk to them. Not in to that too much at the moment like been nocturnal.

I really wish she could see the damage she is creating for not just me, my wee brother and niece. With me i can hardly talk to people about how I feel, so i cope in other methods, lock myself away from people cause if my own mum doesn't care for me who else can, having self doubt in myself not thinking i can do things while others see potentially that i cant. I literally CAN NOT see i future for myself.

Wee brother is just as screwed up but dont have a right to talk about his issues.

My niece is not effected at the moment but i do worry about her future, one she doesnt stay with her birth mother will she be trated the same as me or will she get freedom cause me and my wee brother arent here lets hope for that one 

Through to day i just feel like i am useless and cant do anything right i am on a downer see that i why i try never to be happy cause there is always going to be something that comes along and burst that bubble of yours

The song i have link means so much to me right now  

Confused

Every time I come to a decision something comes up and confuse me even more on what I want. Just wish i could sleep for a while and not think about it or someone to make the decision for me. I loved the idea of been in control of my future until it I had to actual do. If you have read my other post you would be aware that i am not sure of I want to go back and do my second year of a two year course due to circumstances. i came to the decision of NOT going back after a while of thinking but now i want to.

Today i visited Kingdom FM with Jordan Burt to sit in Ali Mclearn Saturday afternoon show. Which was a great experience to be apart of as Ali taught as the basic of the studio layout. Even let me go live on air and talk about an outfit dilemma i had for going out to the pub tonight (wasn't actual happening) but was needing content so i stood up and done it. I was slightly nervous and was worried if i swore but luckily i didn't.

Now because of this experience I now want to go back and complete the course ahhhh. Brain stop it seriously need to make a decision soon and stick with it the more i change my mind the worse it is going to get.

Positive of sticking in 

1) I might struggle with the the next year but i have the support in place to get through it

2) HND is more looked upon than a HNC

3) More networking possibilities


P.S its been a week since i last cut follow this blog to find out more about this chapter

https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4438376961018473390#overview

Time for a body makeover

I am sick of people calling me fat and ugly so I have decide to take steps in to my own hands and give myself a body makeover. Let see if they accept me then. Here is list of thing i am going to do (hopefully if i dont fail at it like everything else)

1) Make a new Blog and update daily with what i have eating and what exercises i have down
2) Cut out the junk food
3) reduce the amount of coca cola i am drinking from between 6 to 15 cans a day to only 2
4) add more water
5) try and eat three meals a day
6) weigh myself weekly which will be in my fitness blog
7) in the fitness blog post motivational videos, quotes, recipes and workouts

Dear 12 year old self

Dear 12 year old self

Hello young Megan you are probably wondering why i am contacting you im here to tell you what the next 6 year are going to be like cause they arent going to be the easiest. You are probably panicing about been one of the 1st years at high school and how stressful it is. This is the least of your worries you see those primary school bullies they join you at the same school and are in most of them are in your classes. Problem is the group gets bigger they call you names, try to get a hold of your heart by saying they like you in a love way then rip away from you and spread it around the school like wild fires and ocassional will push you down the stairs or pull your hair but stay strong.   Your best friend of six years starts talking about you behind your back but acts like they are still your friend in front of you so you still tell secrets and they tell someone else, then in a few years time they start making fun of you infront of you and your other friends by the time you leave high school you only have one friend and she is the best and still friends with you now. When you are 13 your big sister  starts taking drugs cannibis and herion and begins stealing of you, your little brother and the rest of the family. You go on a hoilday to haven and come back to realise you favourite video games arent there, your mums necklace has gone. Through all of this she get pregnant with your neice and give birth when you are 14. 6 weeks off been alive she ends up in the hospital fighting for her life.  your teenage life is put on hold you are too worried you spend that years summer hoilday sitting in a car outside the hospital waiting on the news. By this point you mentally drained bullying, friend issue you are struggling to cope. Then the december of that year social work declared that your big sister is inadicact to look after your neice so she stays with you forever. You lose the attention of your mum and dad your relationship with them breaks down your mum begins to treat you like a slave and your freedom doesnt exist its almost like you have been inprison, your dad couldnt care less back your mum up for a quiet life your on your own from this point. You know a way of coping with everything by dragging a blade across your wraist you arent proud of it but it makes everything seem a little better. After that first cut you become a target for more abuse of your big sister you deal with it cause you love her she is your sister. At the age of 16 your friend notice a difference in you and speaks to a guidance consellor who treats you like hell and they want you to show them your cuts and scars you find any excuse not to show them by saying you have rash, your cold this doesnt help they grab you arm and lifts up your sleeves. The reaction will play on your mind for the rest of the time you are at school they want you to tell your parents but they dont understand the cirrumstances at home but if you dont do they will phone home. You will lie to the guidance consellor and say you will tell you parent but you never do. They tell all your teachers and when you arrive at each lesson they ask to check my wraist this doesnt make you feel any better. From then on you get better at hiding your problems and avoid guidance like plague. Around this time you get in your first proper relationship with a boy who treats you like shit he controls every aspect of you who you talk to, what you wear, who your friends are, what you eat, but you loved him so it didnt bother you too much the relationship ends a year later. Through this you dont think life is worth living you try to commit suicide but fail. The summer of 2012 you are planning on going to college to study media. You are trying to decide what type of person you want to be you are anxious about meeting new people just encase they see through your act. They never do the only see this happy bubbly girl you feel better about it cause no one know who you are or your past. However the following year when you are doing your HND in radio 1st year you begin to give up your act you dont mean to do. You slowly begin to open up with one of your leachers, who is there for you but as part of their job they have to try and get you to guidance but you are admant you are not going because of school. However a few months later they manage to persuade you even though you cried the whole time which you havent done since the age of 14. You kind of hate your leacher for this you begin to wonder why you opened up in the first place and you still wonder near enough 6 months later. You seem to think you have caused more hassle for your family, having social work involved feeling like a failure thinking you are weak. The only person who can really save you hunnie is yourself. You need to keep strong dont let them see how much pain you are in or you end up like me panicking about a phone call from social work that you dont want to come just encase your parents are at home. You move in with your best pal for a bit your there for like 3 months but move back home cause you are to home sick and kind of miss getting nagged at. You constantly think you are a failure cause you havent kept you emotions hidden well. You will be screwed up if you ask for help.

Positive and Negetives

Right positive and negatives of staying on my HND radio course


Positives


1) If I complete the course I can prove everyone wrong that ever doubt me


2) It is my passport of my little town


3) Can say I never gave up


4) May get a job that I love


5) If I complete the course I can spread me wings and live a little


6) Have skills that can last a life time


7) Radio Industry is easy to stay with, if you don't get a job you can still make programmes from the comfort of you own home studio


8) HND gives me more opportunities than a HNC would


9)  More chance to network with people


10)






Negative


1) what if I cant manage then everyone who doubted me was right


2) What happens if the course becomes too much for me and drop out anyway


3) I am stuck in this town for longer


4) Miss the people that have given me the support


5) Feel like people take advantage of how nice I am when it comes to paperwork


6)

Dilemma

Okay here it goes, I have been currently studying HND Radio i just completed my first year of a two year course i am now having doubts about it been the right choice for me. I have told my lecturers who have had a word with me and spoke to me about why i am having doubts the reasons for this is i feel like i dont have the confidence at the moment and people keep telling me i will never make it or cope with it (like they done this year). i keep getting told to ignore what other people say but if its a constant flow you begin to believe it. I have been interest in the radio industry for near enough six years so that might be a positive for me staying and completing it. My lectures are been really supportive about it but for classmates that's a different story they keep saying aw i want to drop out on occasions, but have they laid awake all night on a number of occasions trying to decide it has brought them to tears probably not. I dont know what i want to do it is an internal war between my heart and my head we will need to see who wins by september

I wanted to drop out after first semester (just after Christmas) because i was becoming to much for me but for some reason and have no idea why i end up back for semester two trying to fight with everything and it paid off in the end even though i feel like it is not my best work i could off probably done a lot better on some off my classes such as News Production, Graded Unit, Feature Production and commercials but its done now just got to hope.

I hate making decisions about my future can i go back to been a child when you didnt really have to worry about it all you worried about was what your snack was.

An Introduction

I have had this account for a while now but never actual introduced myself properly

So here goes nothing, time to start documenting my life.

Well lets start off with my name, Megan but i prefer Meg or Megsy. I am your typical 19 year old female obsessed with the boy band, one direction NOT i am like the only one that isnt. When i am not in college (studying radio)  you will find me either in my bed sleeping or staring at a computer screen browsing through hours of youtube videos or scrolling through my facebook and twitter feed.

I am constantly moving between houses so i have no proper home, when i am staying with my parents i dont feel welcome i feel more welcomed at friends houses. I dont mind this way of life because i dont get on with my parents that well i am treated more like a slave more than a daughter.

I was diagnosed with depression in March of this year after battling with negative emotions, cutting and thoughts of suicide for five years so some of the posts that come up in this blog may include some tips and tricks to help me or you get through anything. This year so far i have attempting to commit suicide four times and the most recent one was only a month ago. This inst about attention seeking this is a way i have been recommend to get my emotions out.

any questions or want to know more about me just ask not afraid to answer them