what really is happiness

when i think about it, every time i try to be happy someone comes a long and tell me i shouldnt be for one reason or other, something worse is when someone tells you 'you seem happier than what you were' this is when my problem comes in to play, it make me remember all the bad things that have happened in my life, it just makes me feel worse, to be honest i dont even know what real happy means any more. its easier to say to these people yeah i am happier cause you have no other way to put it, its only over text thats all it is text just like this is, hardly any emotion in it you only get out what you want from it, if you see someone as an attention seeker thats what you are going to see, if you see someone happy all the time you assume that person is happy its just the way it is. We all cover up things we dont want people to see like me, i am on my own, i am always on my own, my friends are on holiday just like me, do i really want to bombard them with all my problems that i have going on. No thats not fair on them they have dealt with me all year, mood swings, not wanting to talk to them, lying to them saying i am okay when i am not. They have had enough to deal with i think its time to let them have peace so they can enjoy their holiday.

 I dont want people to worry about me cause all i am doing is hiding everything from people who care about me, cause they deserve better than me, they deserve people who make sure they are okay put them before themselves that how it should be. People say to me they care and they will always be there for me which is wrong because at 3 o'clock in the morning i am definitely alone, no one to stop me from doing stupid stuff, no one help when i go to far. i know people want me to get better but i dont believe i am strong enough to do it, which is the hardest part. I am trying to explain how i want help but at the same time i want to be left alone, i dont deserve to recover i have obviously did some bad to deserve all this pain weather that be in my past life or something i did when i was younger. After such a long time, i have fallen in love with the sadness and have convinced myself i am nothing without it. i worship it by the thin white lines that cover my body. I hate it but cant live without it. I stand in front of my mirror and pinch the fat on my stomach, legs and arms hoping if i pinch hard enough, the physical pain will purge the sadness and anger out, it obviously never works but of course i do it again subconsciously . I eventually forget why i did it in the first place and i do it because it just simply feels good. How fucked up is that. It feels good to physically hurt myself, drag razor blades across a part of my body, punch walls, dig my nails in to my skin and stave myself.

Stop telling

For some reason over the last few days people keep telling me what to do. I am 19 years old i can make my own decisions. Like today my mum asked me if i wanted to go swimming tomorrow, i said no for a few reason such as my cuts and scars and i dont exactly enjoy swimming like i use to, and thats okay because people change but people cant accept that so that dont matter

see the world

How do you view the world? do you see it through a clear lens? Or through a distorted one? do you even know what it feels like to feel completely alone while you know there are millions of people just like you? how about what its like to be completed repulsed by things you used to enjoy? do you know how it feels to feel completely lost in the dark and not really knowing if there's a way out? To not have the strength to feel like you can make it through the whole day, let alone the next one, without breaking down? To not be able to explain how you feel at all? To have everyone constantly asking if you are okay until it gets to the point where no one asks, making you wonder if they dont notice or just dont care? To have no energy or drive to do anything? To feel completely worthless? To feel trapped inside a world full of ugly things but being scared of whats on the other side? To know there's no one to save you from the way you feel? To know the only one whos really hurting you is yourself?

I see the world through i distorted lens, some day are clearer, while the majority of my days are dark, grey and miserable filled with confusion. I can relate to every single one of the questions, one of the questions sparked something in my mind and that question been 'to have everyone constantly asking if you are okay until it gets to the point where no-one asks, making you wonder if they dont notice or just dont care' this is because when i first started opening up about how i was feeling to a tutor and some of my college "mates" they would ask how i was doing every morning, just a side note i know the tutor had to get me to speak to a guidance counsellor or was at risk of losing his job so i understand that. Now my college "mates" dont even ask they act like i am magical cured because i smile and joke about with them, my days are getting less dark but there is still dark, grey and sometimes a little bit of sunshine appears. That is with very little support the only thing that is keeping me going is fake happiness coming from meds, my closest companion (blade) and some inspiring words from Demi Lovato 'never be ashamed of what you feel you have the right to feel any emotion you want'  I broke on holiday just under a month ago and heard from no-one apart from one person, he is always there to help me whenever i need him but i feel bad for texting him my problems cause he is one holiday too and probably has better things to do than to stop me from doing something stupid.

You think you want to die but in reality you only want to be saved. you smile but you are not really happy. you ask but you dont really want to know. you talk but you arent really saying anything. you laugh but you dont find it funny. you cry but it doesnt really mean anything. you get up but you arent really awake.you sleep but you arent resting. you are alive but you arent really living. you try to save everyone but you cant save yourself.

You dont know anything about a person, you only know what they show. Everyone has hopes and fears and you can push a person you can only push a person so far before the break

feeling rejected ( could be triggering)

Hello, before you read past this i would just like to mention this post could be trigger to self injury so read with care, dont want to trigger anyone

Family day what is the point when i spend the whole day babysitting on three hours sleep, running around in the heat wearing a cardigan, when i sat down i get moaned at. How is that fair when my wee brother just gets to sit there and do nothing. Then i realised why they want me they want me to do photo of my niece cause they cant be bother to book a professional photographer. I am so annoyed. They hardly spoke to me the whole day and whenever i tried to speak to them they didnt even acknowledged me but i know they hard me cause they shoot me a dirty look straight at me, dont think i am going to go through it again i might stay in bed.

The worst thing about the heat and self injury is trying to hide it, wearing loads of bracelets you will end up with a big white bit if you burn or tan, the dirty looks you get when wearing long sleeves when it is so hot, i got a lot of them today everyone was wearing shorts, vest top, dresses and then there was me, wear denim shorts, hoping no-one would notice the scars on my lower leg they never did whew, a t-shirt and a long sleeve cardigan, hiding my fresh cuts, not one of my family members ask why.

well that was my day getting rejected, ignored and treated like a slave. Here are some pictures of where i was

The land is just so beautiful

My first time ever seen a caterpillar so was quite excited so i took a few

Wish i could stay here

 Just loved how the sea had made little mounds of sand

Just one of the pics i took of the waves and the town of St Andrews

this was just stunning the sun reflecting of the water

First time i had ever seen a caterpillar










stay lovely you lovely people

Also have a hug

wtf

i cant do this anymore, crying myself to sleep after i have cut. i am stuck in this fucking rut i cant get out. everytime i think i am getting to the edge to climb out it sucks me right back in. I wish the fake persona i created, smile on my face, bubbly and talkative was real instead the smile is fake, the bubbly part is because of my caffeine consummation, talkative wishing i was silent. That way i  could not be called an attention seeker, no words no friends, no friends easy life in this way i wont be able to hurt them, they deserve better way better than me.

i am trying everyday to make people proud of me and be happy to be around me, i am just one big disappointment, i disappoint myself in not achieving my best, my parents dont support me guess i am just a disappointment to them too, so called friends dont care only text or message me when they want something. what the fuck i have i done in my past life to deserve this torture. i dont know how much more i can take, i think i only going to be able to take one more hit before i topple over the edge and destroy whatever comes first  

Sleep is my drug

Sleep is my drug i am addicted to it, the moment i close my eyes the living nightmare i am living, the anxiety, the stresses and the problems are gone. Feelings i so dont want i no longer have to feel but i abuse it so much i use it as an escape, i sleep wherever/ whenever i can, i am so very tired all the time not because of the lack of sleep. i am just used to being numb and blank.

 As i am tired and numb most of the time i need to wake up, this is when i turn to self harming to just to feel alive for a little while. My issue with sleep is i am tired all day but as soon as 8pm comes around i am wide awake thats without napping during the day.

P.S this is not the only reason i self injure read my other blog for more information

i have change the layout of the blog let me know if it is readable

friends NOT

It is so nice to hear from people who are meant to be your friends and care about you. There is only one friend who i am in contact with, out off three people. I know I can text them or phone but I am always the one making the effort while no-one else does just shows me who my friends are well more friend, I am so alone all the time. i dont understand i am crying myself to sleep most nights. I seriously need my friends to be there to talk to whenever i need them just to survive this holiday.

I think the biggest issue is my friends cant see or hear the things that are going on through my mind, on the outside I look fine having a good laugh like the next person, while on the inside there is a dark cloud which rains every so often, but the rain is getting better not raining as much as it used to but the dark cloud is still remains and think its going to be there for the foreseeable future.

Happy for once

Well today was one of they rare day where i was actual happy and not pretend to be. i spent the day with one of my closest friends that i dont consider her a friend more family. Our original plan was to go through to our local cinema at night to see the fault in our stars by john green but this morning we decide to make a day of it, we head through to where our local cinema is, did a little retail therapy before hand, I finally bought a pair of sunglasses after years of complaining about not having a pair, and of course bought some munchies for the film as i refuse to pay the ridiculously prices at the cinema.

After this we headed for a bus up to our local cinema because where the shops are it can take up to a hour to walk to it so the best bet is the bus we aren't lazy or anything "coughs". We got our tea/dinner, healthy option of course, MacDonald s, we munched, laughed and chattered like we normally do.

Cinema time, we bought our tickets and tango ice blasts and took our seats in the auditorium, half way between the top and bottom, perfect seats, The film began but because me and my friend had read the book we were kind of hoping it lived up to, it definitely did. I knew who was in store so i came prepared with tissues, My friend started before me so i give her one to wipe away her tears i think it hit home more to her because someone she was close to die of cancer not so long ago, while me i never experiance it. Once she had a tissue i glanced around behind me and there were two teenage girls in floods of tears too, so i offered them one so they could also wipe their tears away, this is where i began the tears streamed down my face.

When we got back to our home time we were just talking when about the film and life, but more about life. we were mentioned that no matter what our past are that makes us who we are today and we shouldn't be afraid. How some things should be left unsaid because people that weren't involved shouldn't really be involved now, our pasts can still effect us but we shouldnt be dwelling on them to much

Heat is killing me

The weather is deciding to torture me the last couple of days, by deciding it would be good to have roasting hot days when I have recently self harmed. The problem with this heat is when people begin question why i am wearing a long sleeved top or jumper, i have to lie saying i am fine.

Today was one of these days, i had a pair of light washed jeans and a jumper on as i was just sitting in the house, the house was a reasonable temperature, plus no-one was in everyone was out in the garden enjoying the sun, i isolate till about the back of two, so i decide to join them of course with my book this way no-one would talk to me and i have done this a few time so i knew it would work. However fifteen minutes of me been out someone said to me take your jumper of you will be cooking, i used the excuse is i am fine and continued to use this for the next hour. i began to feel the heat and didn't people to wonder to much.

Let me explain something first I harm myself where ever i can get to first and on one occasion during last week i had a pair of jammie shorts on and a jumper on the top half and of course a t-shirt. I went straight to the lower leg to get my fix. In the morning no-one noticed it because i did it on the side so it was like in the middle so when both my legs are together you would see it.

I came into the house at the back of three to change in to shorts but was still anxious that someone would see the cut on my lower leg. So before i went back out I practised how i was going to sit so no-one would notice it. Half an hour later i head back out, people question why it took me so long to put shorts on and take my jumper on ( I put a long sleeved top on instead but made of thinner material) I just pretended like i didnt hear them. Someone did notice the cut on my leg and ask how I had done it, My quickest reaction ever i did it while shaving, that shut them up.

Really hope the weather in Scotland  starts to cool down again so I dont look so insane