what really is happiness

when i think about it, every time i try to be happy someone comes a long and tell me i shouldnt be for one reason or other, something worse is when someone tells you 'you seem happier than what you were' this is when my problem comes in to play, it make me remember all the bad things that have happened in my life, it just makes me feel worse, to be honest i dont even know what real happy means any more. its easier to say to these people yeah i am happier cause you have no other way to put it, its only over text thats all it is text just like this is, hardly any emotion in it you only get out what you want from it, if you see someone as an attention seeker thats what you are going to see, if you see someone happy all the time you assume that person is happy its just the way it is. We all cover up things we dont want people to see like me, i am on my own, i am always on my own, my friends are on holiday just like me, do i really want to bombard them with all my problems that i have going on. No thats not fair on them they have dealt with me all year, mood swings, not wanting to talk to them, lying to them saying i am okay when i am not. They have had enough to deal with i think its time to let them have peace so they can enjoy their holiday.

 I dont want people to worry about me cause all i am doing is hiding everything from people who care about me, cause they deserve better than me, they deserve people who make sure they are okay put them before themselves that how it should be. People say to me they care and they will always be there for me which is wrong because at 3 o'clock in the morning i am definitely alone, no one to stop me from doing stupid stuff, no one help when i go to far. i know people want me to get better but i dont believe i am strong enough to do it, which is the hardest part. I am trying to explain how i want help but at the same time i want to be left alone, i dont deserve to recover i have obviously did some bad to deserve all this pain weather that be in my past life or something i did when i was younger. After such a long time, i have fallen in love with the sadness and have convinced myself i am nothing without it. i worship it by the thin white lines that cover my body. I hate it but cant live without it. I stand in front of my mirror and pinch the fat on my stomach, legs and arms hoping if i pinch hard enough, the physical pain will purge the sadness and anger out, it obviously never works but of course i do it again subconsciously . I eventually forget why i did it in the first place and i do it because it just simply feels good. How fucked up is that. It feels good to physically hurt myself, drag razor blades across a part of my body, punch walls, dig my nails in to my skin and stave myself.