see the world

How do you view the world? do you see it through a clear lens? Or through a distorted one? do you even know what it feels like to feel completely alone while you know there are millions of people just like you? how about what its like to be completed repulsed by things you used to enjoy? do you know how it feels to feel completely lost in the dark and not really knowing if there's a way out? To not have the strength to feel like you can make it through the whole day, let alone the next one, without breaking down? To not be able to explain how you feel at all? To have everyone constantly asking if you are okay until it gets to the point where no one asks, making you wonder if they dont notice or just dont care? To have no energy or drive to do anything? To feel completely worthless? To feel trapped inside a world full of ugly things but being scared of whats on the other side? To know there's no one to save you from the way you feel? To know the only one whos really hurting you is yourself?

I see the world through i distorted lens, some day are clearer, while the majority of my days are dark, grey and miserable filled with confusion. I can relate to every single one of the questions, one of the questions sparked something in my mind and that question been 'to have everyone constantly asking if you are okay until it gets to the point where no-one asks, making you wonder if they dont notice or just dont care' this is because when i first started opening up about how i was feeling to a tutor and some of my college "mates" they would ask how i was doing every morning, just a side note i know the tutor had to get me to speak to a guidance counsellor or was at risk of losing his job so i understand that. Now my college "mates" dont even ask they act like i am magical cured because i smile and joke about with them, my days are getting less dark but there is still dark, grey and sometimes a little bit of sunshine appears. That is with very little support the only thing that is keeping me going is fake happiness coming from meds, my closest companion (blade) and some inspiring words from Demi Lovato 'never be ashamed of what you feel you have the right to feel any emotion you want'  I broke on holiday just under a month ago and heard from no-one apart from one person, he is always there to help me whenever i need him but i feel bad for texting him my problems cause he is one holiday too and probably has better things to do than to stop me from doing something stupid.

You think you want to die but in reality you only want to be saved. you smile but you are not really happy. you ask but you dont really want to know. you talk but you arent really saying anything. you laugh but you dont find it funny. you cry but it doesnt really mean anything. you get up but you arent really awake.you sleep but you arent resting. you are alive but you arent really living. you try to save everyone but you cant save yourself.

You dont know anything about a person, you only know what they show. Everyone has hopes and fears and you can push a person you can only push a person so far before the break