falling apart

I have manage to get ever fooled once again by saying I am okay this is the best way this way I cant hurt anyone and they cant hurt me. While in reality I am on a slippery hill that is going down I am grabbing on to roots to keep myself for falling to deep but the thing is roots can only hold you for so long or yourself gets to tired of holding on for to long.

I am smiling all day to keep the tears from falling but as soon as i am alone i let them fall it makes me remember how unhappy i actual i am. Im disappearing from class to cry on my own i have got so much better at hiding it, i dont want anyone to worry about me or be labeled as an attention seeker.

I have already been to open about how i am feeling i now regret it so much i wish i could just go back and continue in silence as i have for five years before hand. I wish i just said i was fine when people asked me instead of been stupid and saying that i was feeling crap all the time.

i am beginning to feel like every person i know is against me one way or another. People are treating me different to what they normally would, My dad's attitude has change towards me he was once so close to me now he is distant it hurts so much that he doesnt care. My mum has never cared about me. My friends seem to be putting there noses in where it isnt needed.  I cant do this anymore i just want to run away but how can i when its all in my head only way i know to control it is by drinking, harming, starving or making myself throw up at least i feel something.